Maxine's 1st day at Wal-mart

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,a good find for many retirees,I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?

Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .

Maxine -vs- Martha

We all know the lovable and all too true, Maxine. Well now we'll hear her answers to some of Martha Stewart's Tips. This was just too cute, I had to share it!

Martha: "Stuff miniature marshmellows at the bottom of an
ice cream cone to keep it from dripping."

Maxine: "Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake!

You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

Martha:"To keep potatoes from budding,

place an apple in the bag with the potatoes."

Maxine: "Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix.

Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha: "When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,

use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any

white mess on the outside of the cake."

Maxine: "Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha: "If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,

drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an

instant 'fix-me-up.'"

Maxine: "If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.

Please recite with me the real woman's motto:

'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'"

Martha: "Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the

refrigerator and it will keep for weeks."

Maxine: "Celery? Never heard of it!"

Martha: "Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before

baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish."

Maxine: "The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do

not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't."

Martha: "Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and

rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away."

Maxine: "Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

All your pains go away!"

Martha: "If you have a problem opening jars, try using

latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip

grip that makes opening jars easy.."

Maxine: "Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you."

Martha: "Don't throw out all that leftover wine.

Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces."

Maxine: "Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!"

An Alarming Video that all Westerner's should watch

The Bible tells us that this sort of thing will happen in the end days. If you are a Christian, then you do not need to worry, because we already know that the Lord is victorious, but I also think that we should not walk around blind, but know what is going on in the world around us. Please watch this video and be aware of what President Obama is trying to have friendly relations with. Doesn't seem so friendly to me.

Just some facts for ya...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the. ...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.....)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this tosomeone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone!

(And God love that pig!)

All About Mothers- Out of the mouths of babes...

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

How cute is that?????